I've Moved

It's my 300th post today and I've jumped ship from Blogger. I figured I'm moving in September I might as well move sites as well. So if you so desire you can find more of me over here now. I'm still trying to work out the kinks, posting pictures there is not working right now but as with all new things only time & patience.

Wowee, what have I done?

I'd say for about a little more than 6 months I've been itching to move. Well it looks like we are moving. Our offer was accepted. Unbelievable to us considering what the agent told us. Today I got cold feet about the whole thing. It was really over the most trivial thing too. For the past 3 1/2 years Joe & his dad have been working on finishing the basement, yes that long, having a child will slowww things down, so anyway this morning I remembered the fireplace that we put down there and how we had chosen this sleek black marble tile that went from floor to ceiling and how we had placed a small black shelf across the face of it and how now I would not get to enjoy it. God how materialistic am I? But it was this fireplace that got me thinking how maybe it's not a good idea. How we did so much work on making this house a home and now I'm giving it to strangers. How I'll miss Samantha's room so much, the room that she spent her baby years in. The house we're moving too is slightly smaller (which is a bonus), the lot is smaller too, but the price is a little bit higher than what we can sell this one for. But, it is much closer to my work, the backyard backs onto a park, and Samantha's future school is a 10 minute walk. One of Joe's friend's live on one street over from the house too. I guess I'm just missing all the memories. I know we'll create new ones but I feel sad at leaving this house here. Our first home together. I never thought I'd have such strong feelings now about moving. I'm hoping I don't regret this down the road. My head tells me it's a good move. My mom already gave me her mouthful of negativity. I know she means well but it makes me believe my doubts even more. I just have to remember that she's mostly negative about everything and is a very hard woman to please. So I guess I'll be taking that leap of faith come this May when we put the house up for sale. Oh my god.

On one more note, I did call Mt. Sinai for their group therapy sessions, as I was told by my assessment counsellor, but was politely told that they do not offer group. I also checked out the other program she told me about at Women's College but on the website they specifically say I need a referral from my doctor. Which makes me wonder if the counsellor knew this why did she not tell me so. UGGGGHHH... I will still call them on Monday and see what they tell me. I did find another program on their site, called Brief Psychotherapy for Women, which by what I read sounds like you do not need a referral but only to call them and they will place you on a waiting list. I know all I need is to call my family doctor but it just irks me that I have to take all these steps to get to where I'd like to go. I should've gotten my PHD in psychiatry I could've saved myself the cash and analyzed myself ;-)

Things Happen All At Once

Monday I had an appointment, an initial assessment that's done over the
phone, with the first place I called. They finally called me a week
after I had placed the call. I was ok with doing an assessment over the phone, the trick was finding a quiet and private place at work to make the phone call. Found it up on the 19th floor in one of the training rooms. So I phoned the counsellor up. After 15 minutes I hung up. And I was pretty disappointed with the "service". Basically she asked me to give answers on a scale of 1 to 10 on questions that you would find in a women's magazine to identify depression. After the 4th question I already knew what the next one would be. She then asked if I would be comfortable with group sessions and I knew that she thought my depression was not as severe as it should be to warrant one on one care. Most likely after me answering the question, "On a scale of 1 to 10 how much in crisis are you at this point?". To which I replied most days 5 some days 6. So, I responded yes I wouldn't mind group but am also looking for one on one. She gave me 2 group sessions, one at Mount Sinai and the other at Women's College. She ended the call by saying that she had no appointments available for one on one but if I didn't find those 2 groups suitable she would try to find me another one. Needless to say with my huge procastination I haven't called either of the groups. Tomorrow I will though, at least to see what it's like. I still have my other appointment in April so I'll keep that.
I got an email today from a friend that reminded me how good it is to have this blogging community around us. It truly is. Sometimes I think it's better than therapy. Without blogging I don't think I'd be where I am now. It's a good thing.
On another note, Joe & I are thinking about moving. Well, not actually thinking, we made an offer on a home which was not accepted and went back this afternoon to sign it back with some more modifications. We should find out tomorrow or Friday. In my heart I'm excited
and at the same time sad. As much as I complain about where I'm
living, it will be hard to leave my home. Many good memories are here,
along with bad, and when I think about living somewhere else I wonder if
it's the right thing. The new home is much closer to my job and our
backyard would have a park right behind it. But as I was driving to the sales site, I got such a good feeling about driving through the town. I lived here before I got married (Richmond Hill) and I never really wanted to leave. We shall see, we shall see.
Then Joe's brother called us tonite and asked if we wanted to go to Orlando at the end of April with him and his wife's family. I'm hesitant. I hate to fly, and the flight they have picked leaves at 6 fricken 30 in the morning. Not a good time to leave. We'd have to leave the house at 4am. Joe has enough problems getting Sam up at 7am. I know it's such a minor point, but I know dealing with a cranky toddler and cranky husband does not make a good start to a vacation. We're looking into possibly using Joe's airmiles to pay for one ticket and see if we can get a later flight for cheap. Another we shall see, we shall see.

And again thanks to everyone's thoughts and good wishes. Makes my heart feel happy. xoxo

Once More

I called the number on Friday morning. It's Tuesday morning and they still haven't called me back. I'm in shock. Imagine if it was a woman that had called that morning and it had taken an enormous amount of courage to make that call and she never received a call back and didn't have the courage to call again. Kind of like how I feel. I'm back to feeling lazy and wondering maybe I can just work through it on my own. I did find another place to call, this time in Richmond Hill. As for me making the phone call again, I'm wavering now. Sometimes I think it's been 2 1/2 years already, do I really need to see a therapist, will it really make these feelings disappear. Deep in my heart I know I have to make the phone call, I think it will help to talk to someone. But I'm procastinating, thinking I can do it by myself. This whole thing honestly angers me more than anything. Angers me that I can allow myself to fall completely under these irrational thoughts. I have a psych degree for god's sake, you'd think I'd be smart enough or just mentally able to keep it togther. When I was pregnant I was estactic. I couldnt' wait to have my baby and was looking forward to having another 2 after. Then, almost immediately, when we were in our hospital room I remember thinking all I wanted was for someone to take her away and never bring her back. I was regretting the whole thing. Of course the doctors said it was all due to lack of sleep and that the feelings would go away. I thought to myself, yes of course I remember reading about the "baby blues". Yet the feelings never went away. They're still here. To a lesser extent but they're still around. They cloud my judgement, they make situations harder than they should be.

I'm home today from work, the alarm didn't wake me up and neither did Joe. I have a cold too so I figured I might as well stay home and relax, and decide on making the phone call again.

Edited to add: I made the call to the other place and I have an appointment in April. April is a long way away but it's a step. Thanks all for your words, it truly it a good feeling to know that someone out there cares enough to share kind words. :)

A New Beginning

Thanks to all your supportive comments!  It's funny how a kind word can make things seem so much better.  I'm still waiting for the return call back from the counsellor I left a message for.  I'm assuming by Monday she should call back.  I haven't told Joe or anyone else in my family.  I already know what Joe will say.  He'll say if it makes me feel better than do it.  He's not one for talking about it.  I think he doesn't know how to deal with it. 

Today was my day off from work.  As usual Samantha did not nap.  I have a hard time putting her down for a nap.  With others she usually goes to sleep no problem.  Usually no nap means an early bed time.  She's finally over her cold and cough.  Well more like it isn't as bad as it was before.  It's still congested and getting her to use that aspirator is torture.  I wish she could blow her nose.

The above was written around 6ish.  It's now 8:30 and Samantha is upstairs with Joe.  Hopefully it won't take him too long to get her to fall asleep.  The night time routine has been pretty long & exhausting over the last 5 months.

I'm going to go conk out now.  Maybe finish my last new novel.  I'm reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates.  Good book. 

Baby Steps

This morning I made the call. I called the number that perhaps will get me moving in the right direction. I posted, last year I believe, on how I wanted to go for counselling for my ppd but I just couldnt' make myself do it. This morning I woke up and thought if I don't do it now I never will. I'm so tired of leaving work every night and not wanting to come home, not wanting to deal with Samantha or life. Sad isn't it. I think to myself why do I feel this way? I'm not crazy, but I just can't handle things anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter but each day seems like a struggle. I see other women in life that have kids and enjoy being a mom. I would love to feel like that. Does that make me a bad person??, for not enjoying life with Samantha. Is it fair to her? Thankfully she can't see or understand how I feel. Anyway the words aren't coming out the way I'd like, so I'm just waiting for the return phone call to get things moving.